The Minotaur Archetype

I created this group because I noticed there was not a dedicated space for archetropers yet. I hate to see an empty space, so I am going to fill it with a bit of information on what it means for me to be a minotaur archetype. 

The minotaur is a beast born of an unholy union. He inherits the animality of his father and the status of his mother. Too beast to be man, to man to reasonably be treated as a beast. The result is the labyrinth, hidden away and shunned. A monster best left alone. 

I will try to apply this structure onto my own life without it coming off as a vent. Much of this is about my history with being stuck between, and how I don't think I will every feel at home because of it. 

I am the result of a dysfunctional union; I have inherited the money, the ambition, the drive of my mother; I have inherited the dark mark of my father, his likeness, his distance. I look in the mirror and I see him despite my best efforts. 

My gender is strange. I can't articulate it. I was a tomboy. Due to transphobia, gender nonconformity was forced to be a transgender thing. I was given two options by those in charge of me: commit to being a trans man and face all the backlash of it (but have access to more masculine appearances) or fit perfectly into cisgender expectations and face no trouble ever. Because I was a coward (or perhaps had self preservation), I chose to fit perfectly into cisgender expectations. I was very bad at it, I could not do it. There is a level of masculinity within me that can not be suppressed, despite my best efforts. As a result, a strange version of masculinity came to represent my internal self. It's a protective layer, a mask. Something that protects the vulnerable, squishy "true self", a version of "woman" that I did not want the world to take and twist and butcher. I have been split in half by this in an attempt to preserve myself. It is a lot more complicated than this, I could write forever on how being forced to choose a side literally split my sense of self into two. After a few years, they eventually gave up on trying to control me. I was simply... too bad at being a girl.

Alongside my gender and presentation being awkward, I am also socially awkward. Some assume I have a bit of autism, but whatever I have is not sever enough to warrant a diagnosis. Perhaps it's because I was so isolated as a small child and teenager. Perhaps I am just... like that. Regardless, I struggle deeply to socialize. This is not uncommon, bit it is damning for me. I am from a very well-off family. I went to a very nice academy. The people I grew up around are senators, investors, people with the sort of money that is almost scary. My family fits into this crowd (socially, at least. Perhaps not economically) and there is the very heavy expectation that I will fit into this crowd. They are all charming, sociable, they network like crazy. And... it's not something I have access to. 

I was bullied and excluded in high school. In college (and now after it), I have been completely excommunicated from this group. They do not look me in the eye in public. Our parents are friends, I see them at social events, and I am untouched. There is polite conversation and not much more. I am not there. I can feel it in the air. I am the topic they don't want to breach, the weird fucked up beast they don't want to deal with. Even my parents seem to keep me at an arms distance from this crowd. And, to be honest, I can understand why. I fumble with my speech, I have a stutter. I will say nonsensical things if I am put on the spot. I need time to articulate myself, usually on paper. I wouldn't want to speak to myself verbally, either. Because of this, I am unable to network myself the same. Because I am a lesbian, I can not marry into this institution and my relationship just further pushed me away from the world I grew up in. This circle and all it stands for goes against my values, I would never be happy in it, but it supplies a sense of security. And due to factors that I can not control and my refusal to suppress myself, it's a security that I will never have. It's odd. I don't want it, so it shouldn't matter that I will never get it. But it's hard to watch all my family and friends be apart of this club while I am left out. 

Further in, my gender in relation to my sexuality. Butchfemme identity is a massive part of me. It's allowed me to find myself and find peace with a very lesbian gender. "Lesbian" is the best word I have to describe myself, and butchfemme lets me articulate the layers to it. I identify as a futch, for the most part. If we think back to my issues with gender, there is that split within me. That masculine aspect is decidedly butch, and that protected is femme. They do not mix, they do not combine. I can not be androgynous and let them cancel each other out. I need butches in my life, I simply do. I am like a clownfish. If there is not a butch in my life, I will become the butch. If there is a butch, I will become the femme. This is not a day-by-day change. This is slow, it evolves as my personal relationships evolve. For years, perhaps three or four, I was increasingly butch. Then I began to date a butch. So I am a femme now (although keep in mind: femme does not mean feminine). My pronouns (he/she) reflect this. I am happy with this set up, I understand it well. My partner understands it. However, I have faced a lot of hostility in the butchfemme community for it. Futch is not a widely accepted label. I am pressured to choose one. My area in the middle is not tolerated. Need I elaborate more...? 

Further, although not as severe as the others, I have struggled to balance science and art in my academic studies. It seems finding a career that includes both is going to be a bit difficult, but I am trying and actually succeeding so far. 

My life is full of extremes, splits down the middle that I can not pick between. I will never be one or the other, its seemingly just innate to me. It's environmental, sure, but also just... innate. I hate "picking a side", I think I do experience genuine dysphoria around adhering to standards or expectations. It makes me want to vomit, I can't do it without breaking down. 

The minotaur is my framework. He is the figure I structure myself around. The Bull of Minos, D&D minotaurs, other iterations, they all speak to me. We walk the same path, our struggles are of the same nature. The Minotaur has taught me to love my labyrinth and to call it home. I am not ashamed of my inability to Pick A Side. I thrive here, I am making it home. I would rather embrace the cow-head and my strangeness than try to hide it away. 

A lot of this sounds... vent-y. I struggle to talk about this situation without it coming off as negative. I am very happy right now. I have friends who I love dearly. I have a partner who understands and loves me deeply. I can not complain! But to act like things haven't effected me would be wrong. 

This is a bit scattered, I appreciate anyone whose read it all. I enjoy talking about my minotaur archetype. I love it, I appreciate it. It makes me very happy to know this about myself.